I also wanted to add that I took a HPT yesterday and it came back negative. My test on June 9th was so strong it just about blew me over. Having the negative test means that my body is starting to shift gears already. I do have to say that I'm feeling very tentative and unsure about this next part in the process. I wish it would just be over, actually if it could just mirror my period symptoms I would be satisfied because at least I know what that feels like.

The thing that is so strange to me is that there is so much talk and information about infertility, pregnancy, and childbirth but there doesn't seem to be a lot of information about what happens when the embryo dies. I feel oddly blocked and uncomfortable in my lower abdomen. I don't know if it is mild contractions or what, it isn't that specific. My body has already started making shifts, my breasts are significantly less firm, my belly less bloated. I feel less in a haze than I did while the hormones were up, my head is more clear than in weeks. I'm not as thirsty and already I'm not having to get up 3 times a night to go pee. I have a loss of appetite but that it normal for me, especially when I'm grieving. My sleep pattern has gotten even more wacky but I'll just ride it out.

I find the early pregnancy process to be fascinating in a scientific way; that the recognition of the fertilized eggs can trigger such dramatic hormonal shifts and at the same time how the mother's body helps so much to foster the egg/embryo in the early weeks. My body was so ready for this that it took it a long time to see what had happened. I am thankful that I knew what happened before instead of having random bleeding and not understanding the cause. Minor blessings but still worth recognizing.

I don't know that I'm stronger than anyone else, I have sorrow as well but I try to embrace it. I can't talk to anyone because it makes me cry too much, I can write about it though, that helps me get it out.

I had a transvaginal u/s, the 5th one I've had in the past couple years. The sac was well defined, in the fibroid you can see tissue details. My period is like clockwork and I've never missed a period since I started menstruating in 1984. I also was charting and my CF was really clear as to when ovulation was, I either ovulated on May 23 or 24.

I really don't think there is anything growing inside of me beside the sac. The doctor even said, with someone who is so clear on the dates (and I have been charting since April 02) there should be a well sized embryo with a heartbeat at this point. I just don't see how it could have been missed although I have heard of doctors missing women's small fibroid on u/s as well. I do have a follow-up u/s scheduled for next wednesday since the doctor said they don't dx blighted ovum with just one u/s.

I took a HPT today to see if my hormones were dropping and it came back negative. [it must have been due to dilute urine] I think that is a good sign, at least my body is starting to move on. My sister and a friend have called me but it just makes me cry to talk to people right now. How did it happen that we went from waiting at the doc's office to see our embryo's little heartbeat to nothing. What an emotional rollercoaster.

I emailed my acupuncturist and he said it was best to work with my RE on this part. I'm hoping that my body won't be stubborn and that stopping my progesterone suppositories will help to end things naturally. I had felt a shift in my hormones this week anyway, perhaps if I am lucky it was a reduction in HCG production.

I did find this link with information from midwives on ways to medically complete a "missed abortion".

Completing A Miscarriage
http://www.gentlebirth.org/archives/miscrg.html#Completing

Here's someone's reading list from Amazon.com on herbal abortions -- no I don't think I'll be going that route, I found some other links that talks about how toxic it is for the mother.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/listmania/list-browse/-/3HF72ORQ4LT0R/104-7136724-1655966

That term "missed abortion" doesn't bother me as much as "miscarriage" (or as much I expected it would) since my mother had three miscarriages before she had us three kids and besides to me, right now, that term "miscarriage" sounds like I did something wrong and I don't think I did.

It is not even 5am yet and here I am awake again to the reality. When I woke up I had my left hand laid across my uterus. I guess this is even bothering me in my sleep.

blighted ovum - pregnant with nothing

I had an u/s this afternoon which showed a good-sized gestational sac but nothing inside of it. The doctor was relieved that I already knew what it was -- a blighted ovum (aka anembryonic gestation). I feel so perplexed though, human condition-psychologically challenged and all that. I went from pg to pg with nothing. I'm still pg and my body is still hormonally chugging along.

Having to tell the group of family and friends what has happened will have its own challenges and I wonder if I can tell them in email or a letter. Right now though I'm just wishing I could get off this train to nowhere and just have my body be normal again.

My partner was shocked because he didn't know that such a thing could happen at all. I feel bad for him, he was so excited about our pregnancy.

There are lots of good things about this, I know some of you who have had recurrent losses probably don't feel that way even if you ever could -- I'm sure I would feel the same way myself. My list of good things:

1. I got to be pg for 3 weeks
2. I got to stop being a fertility-challenged person for a few weeks
3. I got to stop worrying about my fibroid and how it might be impacting my fertility
4. We proved that our equipment worked
5. We did it without medical intervention
6. We didn't have to do IUI in July as planned
7. I got to miss my 7-day period for once in my life
8. I've learned more about the amazing process of gestation first-hand
9. I was waiting until this u/s to tell people at work so I don't have to now
10. I get to be me again for a while (if the sadness doesn't overtake me).

My sincerest condolences to everyone who has to go through this.

Does anyone have any advice on how to get my body to flip the switch and change tracks? I contacted my acupuncturist already and hope to see him next week. Maybe he will give me some Chinese herbs to take. Please help me.

it is disappointing but yes, we did prove that the equipment works. And I got to be pregnant for a few weeks even. And it made my fibroid seem like not a big issue and I even got to give the infertility stuff a break. Those are all good things in my book.

I hope you don't mind my sharing but I think we've all been through enough for you to understand. It's just kinda weird going from potential to nothing. I have been and still am pregnant even though there isn't anything other than the sac growing, so this doesn't negate that experience at all. In some ways I'm a little glad because riding on the pregnancy hormones can be a little rough. I did notice some change this week, maybe my body was starting to drop off production of HCG. I felt awful today, even before the u/s though. I already planned to take tomorrow off so I had an extra long weekend. If I am lucky my period will come while I'm away from work and I won't have to have a D&C.

It still is an amazing thing to see, even if for a very short while, how your body can shift gears and start running this other program. I hope you all can experience it -- and me too again soon.

I asked the doc and he said that we should continue trying on our own and just wait a month for my cycle to get back to normal after this fully clears out.

It wasn't me, I didn't miscarry (that seems to place blame on the woman I think), it was just a bad combination of chromosomes. I'm thankful that it is early if this had to happen.

My worst day ever

My u/s didn't go well this afternoon. I have a well sized gestational sac but it looked empty as anything. It looks to be a blighted ovum. I'm a little bummed right now, packing up my stuff at work to work from home tonight.

I have a follow-up u/s next week just to be sure but I think it is over.

Today I feel totally icky and beside myself. I just feel restless and ill and weepy and nauseous all at once. I leave in a few minutes for my u/s and check up with my RE.

I don't have a scale at home so I don't know what my weight change would be. I feel bigger but who knows.

One of the foods that makes me really nauseous is the smell of rice, you know that corny-like smell it sometimes can have in asian restaurants. Someone brought some into the office before I left for lunch and I was about to... I don't know what would have happened but I did feel ill so I left for lunch.

I had two perfect peaches this morning that were heaven. I was craving them so it was especially nice. What are your favorite fruits right now?

I'll post after my u/s a little later.

a post to another woman dealing with MFI...

We had REs tell us we probably needed do do ICSI as well, it was basically presented as "you can work up to it however you like but it is probably what it will take". We tried the alternative medicine route and supplements instead and I'm still in disbelief that we did it but we're in our 6th week now.

Have you consulted yet with a urologist (UR) who specializes in (male) fertility issues? Out of anyone we worked with he was great to have as a backup and he thought we could do it with my partners numbers (see my sig below) even post vasectomy reversal. Have the S/A tests included tests for antibodies, it isn't a standard test. Also, the UR had us do the SPA test to see how the sperm reacted with the egg membrane. We did that test in May, the test results came back positive and we coincidently conceived the same cycle. He felt that the SPA (sperm penetration assay -- aka hamster egg test -- poor hamster) was useful as a next step in our diagnosis.

Dr Perloe had also suggested to us that the sperm DNA fragmentation test would be worthwhile but we didn't have to go that far.

ICSI is expensive and (not to alarm you but this made me wary) might possibly damage the fertilized egg. I know we have read articles, etc. it is just that a friend of mine is a microbiologist researcher working with reproductive research and he told me that among his colleagues there was concern that this is still a new procedure and the long term risks were uncertain.

You could try IVF with rescue ICSI (just in case the sperm aren't doing their job in the dish) instead.

Go for the vitamins and exercise for your partners/husbands though -- selenium, zinc, vit.c and antioxidents. You want to have sperm that are strong and can optimize the best ones to be stronger.

I really appreciate my vasectomy reversal buddies online, they are the only ones who know what it is like to be in a relationship with someone you can only cross your fingers to have a child with. It is a big gamble and it takes a lot of emotional strength to get through it, especially when you are fighting with a strong biological desire to have children (that would periodically hit me and I couldn't talk to anyone about it). I even asked my atheist partner to pray for me (he does have a spiritual bent in spite of himself), I told him that he should do it because I wanted him to (while crying of course).

My pg symptoms have shifted this week, less of the car sick feeling and now onto vague nausea (there is a difference I swear). Yesterday I threw up in the morning, right before I had to head out the door to my chiropractic appt. I think my prenatal vitamin didn't agree with my stomach. Today has been better. I've been able to push through the fatigue more now, I think it has evened out a bit as well so I'm not quite so sluggish in the afternoon. I have my ultrasound tomorrow afternoon -- can you believe it will be July already?

I'm going on a picnic with a friend on Friday and skipping out on work for maybe the full day. I didn't get to go to NY so I'm due a little R&R. I'll probably be doing some catchup work for the office over the weekend anyway.

Just FYI, someone at my office is in a relationship with a man who already has teenagers, a divorce (of course) and a vasectomy. She's going to be 40 in October and struggles with the fact that her fertile window is closing but her boyfriend, however committed he may be, is not interested in having any more children. Everyone here is lucky enough to have a partner/spouse who was willing to undergo an extremely uncomfortable procedure to restore their fertility. Count your blessings.

A woman I met on the chat yesterday told me to eat sour things like lemonade and sour candy; she said it helped her through her pregnancy. I've been drinking a lot of limeade and grapefruit juice and it seems to go down easy enough. I read that anemia can make m/s worse and that taking b-vitamins can help (although taking vitamins is tough when you are feeling already) I tried candied ginger the other day as well, it helps with seasickness so I thought it might help. It was difficult to think of it as appetizing but it did seem to alleviate some of the stomach discomfort.

Email to a friend

> You may remember my telling you about my fibroid and
> needing surgery and
> all that -- doctors were so wanting to cut me open
> and it felt so
> intuitively wrong. I had even scheduled surgery for
> the beginning of
> October and I cancelled it. The rest of last year I
> spent every weekend,
> and many other days whenever I could slip it in,
> researching more about
> fertility and fibroids. I met with several more
> doctors, consulted with
> a researcher in Toronto all to try to get a better
> handle on what my
> options were. I was pretty depressed too so that was
> why I wasn't
> calling really.
>
> At the beginning of this year I finally found a
> reproductive
> endocrinologist I could get along with who was far
> more supportive than
> the other 2 I had spoken with about our situation. I
> also started going
> for acupuncture treatment weekly starting in January
> and had my
> partner taking lots of vitamins and supplements to
> help improve his
> fertility as well (he had a vasectomy and reversal
> and his morphology
> was poor). I figured that Western medicine wasn't
> offering that many
> options so I had to try the alternative route to
> help preserve myself
> and my fertility. If that didn't work then we would
> try fertility meds
> and insemination -- but we put that off until July.
>
> I have some news though, I'm 5 weeks pregnant with
> our first baby. I
> can't tell you what a relief it is and we are
> soooooo proud that we did
> it ourselves without medical intervention. Our baby
> is due in February.
>
> So anyway, I'm in a much better place than I was
> last summer/fall/winter
> and I would love to see you.
>
> Take care and I'll drop you a line in a few weeks to
> set up a date.

Crazy day today. I woke up and while half asleep was sure that a) it was Sunday and b) that I had slept until noon. I actually woke up at 6:30 today and rather that check the Ovusoft boards I decided to bake a coffee cake.

So, while it is in the oven (the coffeecake that is) I'm drinking raspberry leaf tea and eating a homemade blueberry muffin (I go through baking waves and I'm on one right now). About 30 minutes later though I have an odd feeling come over me and I make my way to the bathroom and throw up a couple times and then it is done. Soooooo weird.

Yesterday I was actually feeling more normal and less queasy, I thought I was getting lucky and that my body had balanced whatever was off balance. Well, that is not entirely true as I started gagging yesterday when I caught a strong whiff of cleaning solution but I factored that as being just my sensitive nose.

My acupuncturist and I have been emailing and he said he can help with nausea and fatigue. I'll probably go for a visit next week and he can let me know if everything feels all right from an energy standpoint although I'm feeling pretty good I think.

Training for the Olympics

1) A book I read about infertility mentioned that for women infertility is like training for years and not being able to play in the Olympics, that's partly why it is so frustrating to us. It also said that it takes men on average three years before infertility hits them the same way as it does us.

2) My partner was kind of bopping along doing his own thing and there I was last September with my surgery approaching and I had a meltdown. I can't have this surgery I told him, I don't think we've tried everything we can yet and we don't even know if this will improve our outcome -- what if it is just your morphology that is the issue and not my fibroid? (!!!!!)

When he realized the gravity of the situation we were facing with major abdominal surgery for me and saw how upset I was he had another S/A and had them check for antibodies (can you believe I was going to have surgery without him checking that!?!) He wasn't willing to take supplements last year until after this all happened as well and that took some time as well.

He wasn't keen on the IUI but accepted it as part of the phased approach to dealing with our infertility. Now that we are pregnant he's so funny because he lets out little things like telling my sister that it feels natural to be having a baby (as an expectant father now of course and as if not being able to procreate was unnatural -- this from the man who had a vasectomy in the first place so he wouldn't have kids!!!), how he thinks his anxiety was related to his infertility, and to see how ready he is for this adventure of starting a family. I see how frustrating it must have been for him but he didn't really talk about it with me at the time.

My partner is fairly communicative but fertility is a difficult topic for men for some reason. I think it reminds them of impotence and challenges their masculinity and sense of self -- much as it challenges our maternal instincts and makes us climb up the walls in anguish.

The book you might want to refer to, it is about understanding the emotions and frustrations of infertility:

Experiencing Infertility

My uterus is expanding on the left, the opposite from my 6x7cm uterine fibroid so now I have two little mounds just below the skin about a 1/2-1/4 inch. I think I might have said before, but I'm not sure if I posted it here, in December my doctor said that my uterus was the size of a 14 week pregnancy. I'm used to my fibroid so it isn't a huge concern (we'll just watch to see if there is any rapid growth). The thing that has my attention is that I need to prepare for a change in my pants and skirts sooner rather than later since there isn't much room left in my pant fronts already.

I'm scared of going into maternity boutiques still so maybe I'll just have to buy a larger size for a while.

I just finished the Girlfriends' Guide to Pregnancy over the weekend and evidently it is common to either have more sex drive or none at all. Orgasms are supposed to be more intense as well. I recommend using a lubricant since things are a little changed hormonally and that definately helped me.

My tummy is sticking out too. Looking at myself in profile in store window reflections at lunch I thought -- who is that pregnant woman? No one else would think so but the boobs don't look like mine and the matching belly sure looks to me like something is up. Just keep eating healthy foods and don't worry about it I guess. The appetite seems to come with the territory.

Don't you all find it so amazing that our bodies are able to switch gears this way. It is amazing to see the changes, I feel like I'm just a passenger myself along for the ride.

We tried to abstain for 3-4 days before a S/A but also made sure that we were helping keep production up all month long. In other words you will have better results if your partner is having frequent ejaculations the whole month through (1-2 per week we tried to average, more if we were in the mood).

In May we did an SPA test (sperm penetration assay) which they do a basic S/A with as well. We BD on the 14th, abstained for 4 days and did the test on the 18th and then BD again for the next 4 days and I ovulated on the 5th day. We got pg this same cycle.

Sperm Penetration Assay links

http://www.regence.com/trgmedpol/lab/lab11.html

http://www.infertility-male.com/labtest/spabackground.htm